So I’ve been taking Zoloft off and on for the past five years (mostly on, except for the final stages of pregnancy and early post-partum periods). I tapered off close to a year ago, when I was pregnant with Brynja, and I felt good enough for a while that I didn’t think I needed to start up again.

The past few months, though, I’m just not in a good place. My anxiety, irritability, mood swings, depression, self-loathing, etc. are all steadily increasing and lately I can hardly stand to be in the same room with myself. Everything just feels so heavy all the time.

This morning I made an appointment to see the doctor next week to talk about getting back on the meds, but I’m feeling sort of ambivalent about it. I don’t really understand my resistance, because I have nothing but good experience with Zoloft, and if a friend were in my situation I would advise her to get to the doctor without delay, but I just can’t help feeling a little like a lesser person for needing medicine. I don’t feel that way AT ALL about anyone else who’s taking meds, just myself … it’s just, I don’t know, I think I should be able to cope, you know? Just to buck up and all that. I mean, my life is *awesome* … why can’t I just settle in and enjoy it? Why do I have to be such a [insert negative description here] all the time?

I do know, actually, that all of these negative feelings are part of the depression and I know, too, that the anti-depressants will help them go away, but I feel them–and feel them strongly–all the same, and it sucks. Yeah, poor, poor me.