After getting a slow-ish start, winter came to us all in a hurry over the weekend. We had near-blizzard-like winds and snowfall all day Saturday and now our yard is covered in mountains of snow. We’ve got about a foot-and-a-half of new snow and in some places the drifts are up past my knees. Frightful, indeed.
Our Christmas holiday went well, with dinner and Christmas Eve festivities here at our house on Saturday and then dinner and a few more presents at Olof’s parents’ house on Sunday. My kids were spoiled silly, as usual, and were delighted with all their loot. We adults came out pretty well, too, and we have lots of shiny/pretty/fancy/exciting new toys to play with. Among other things, Olof got me a cotton candy machine, and I’m sure we’ll have a good time recreating that county-fair feeling once we’ve figured out how to use it.
This is always a bit of a weird time of year for me. It’s the one time that I acutely feel the conflict between my Jewishness and the reality of my life here. I’ve been wanting to write a good post about this, but it’s just not coming. I’ve started and deleted at least a dozen sentences, trying to describe the way I’m feeling and thoughts I’m having, but I’m not getting any closer to finding the right combination of words. I just feel like a fraud, I guess. I’m not a good Jew, and I’m not a good “other,” either. I just feel adrift, and my life is taking me farther and farther away from where I want to be (in this one aspect, I mean), while at the same time giving me everything I ever dreamed of and more, and I’m very, very conflicted. At the same time, however, I’m not conflicted at all, because this course I’m on is the right one, and I know that. Ugh … this is not coming out right at all, and I guess it’s best just to stop. If only it were so easy to stop the words in my head.
Maybe I should just stick to posting pictures, like this one taken on my porch last night:
Beverly,I think I know what you mean. Sort of. This conflict you feel is something you’re going to have to live with all your life. I don’t mean to frighten you. It’s not necessarily only a bad thing. You can also think of it as something that enriches your life, perhaps even makes you a better person. It most definitely does not make you a fraud.
I’ve lived in Israel practically all my adult life and I like it here (no, not the politics). I have children and grandchildren here and close friends and still I’ll always be an outsider. Sometimes it disturbs me, but usually not. When Christmas comes around, my husband says (every year): Hey, maybe you’d like to do something for Christmas, maybe you’d like to go to church, or maybe we could have dinner at the American Colony hotel or how about going to a bar and have some eggnog. Very sweet of him, but no thanks. This is the time I miss my parents, who are long gone, and perhaps also my Swedish childhood. It’s also the time of year I’m acutely aware of having a past which is so different from my own children’s lives. (But then again, to a certain extent all parents have a past which their children can just barely imagine.)
Take care. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukka and a Happy New Year.